My friend Cristina, aka HomeSlice is so observant and in tune with her children’s personality traits and how they sometimes mimic her own, that when I read a post of hers a while ago, it struck a nerve. I am more of a girl who lives in the moment, perhaps sometimes simply, and I don’t seem to put as much thought in to things. Or at least, that’s how I sometimes see myself. So, when I read her insightful writing about how one of her beautiful daughters displays some characteristics incredibly similar to her own, and how that sometimes concerns her, it amazed me that she was so in touch with something like that…and it stuck with me.
It’s not like i sit around thinking about it, but it was definitely in the back of my mind somewhere.
Yesterday Cooper and I were at a local park and it was like it was brat day in the neighborhood. There was one sort of mommy group or something and I gotta say, their kids need some discipline in their lives. They were outwardly rude to me, they were bratty to Cooper, and when the moms weren’t looking, which was pretty much the entire time, they were even mean and physical with each other.
On one instance, Cooper was filling this bucket thing that was attached to the playground equipment with sand, and then dumping it out. He was happily pretending to “make cement” like Bob the Builder, and doing his thing. When he turned to grab a few more handfuls of sand, another boy put his hands over the bucket and covered it so Cooper couldn’t fill it. Coops tried to pour it in the side, past the kid’s fingers, so then the kid actually laid across the thing. I approached and said “Cooper, just ask him to move and tell him you were playing with it” as I looked directly at the boy, who was around 5, I suppose. The kid stares back at me and doesn’t move. Cooper says “Can you please move so I can put the sand in?” The boy says “no”. I chime in and say “maybe you can both fill the bucket?” to which the boy looks away like he can’t hear me. His mom approaches so I assume we’re going to get somewhere, but then it’s all too apparent why this kid is a brat. She says…and I quote “Johnny…are you not playing very nice? I know you woke up grumpy and sad this morning, so I can understand. Do you want to move for that boy? I just want you to do what makes you happy, Johnny, okay?” She smiles in my direction as her kid glares at all three of us and doesn’t move. Now I want to smack someone around, but instead, I tell Cooper “well, we’ll just work somewhere else for awhile, okay?” We start to walk away, and the kid moves, so Coops goes back to his work.
This is just one of the instances that was annoying me to no end, so I finally pulled Cooper aside and had a heart-to-heart with him about assertiveness. I told him in no uncertain terms that if some kids wouldn’t let him up on the jungle gym, then he should just say “excuse me” and walk past them anyway. I advised him that if someone tries to take something he’s playing with, he can offer to share, but if they aren’t being nice about it, he should just say “no” and take it back anyway. He is incredibly polite and it makes me so proud, but yet, if other kids aren’t, I don’t want him to be the one getting pushed around. I want him to be assertive, not aggressive. I hope our little lesson sunk in.
Today it was another cold and dreary day in Minneapolis, so I loaded him up to go to this indoor park not too far from home. There is a huge indoor “soft” climbing area called “Adventure Peak” or something, where kids (and sometimes parents) can climb up all kinds of levels and get way, way up high in this habitrail looking thing.
We got there, and Cooper was happy to find things to play with on the ground level, but wasn’t making any attempt at climbing. In the mean time, there are 1 and 2 year olds heading right up to the top. I took my shoes off and went and got him and told him we were going to climb together. He was hesitent, but came along with me for a few minutes, though we only really got as high as like, level 3 of 10 when he got whiny and said he wanted to get back down.
He has always been cautious. At the age of 3, when I see other boys his age acting like total daredevil maniacs, my child is content to play on solid ground. Seeing how high he can jump is about as crazy as he gets…or jumping on the couch. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him to be the totally crazy kid who’s always getting injured, I just want him to loosen up a bit. I want him to feel confident to try new things, even if they are a little scary.
So, try as I might today with bribes, coaxing, obvious frustration, and downright forcefulness, I could not get him to participate in anything except the ground-level stuff.
On the drive home I think he could tell I was annoyed. I was trying not to be, but something really bothers me about that particular behavior. He doesn’t even really go down the little slides at the park. He would rather play in the sand with his trucks on most days.
When we got back home I emailed D.Jones and told him about our experience. I added “were you a total chicken when you were little!?” He responded in total honesty and said that he thinks he might have been.
I tell myself that he’s only 3 and there is plenty of time for him to do things. That I don’t need to rush him, push him, and certainly not get angry with him, but yet, sometimes I can’t help it. I sat in the living room thinking about Doug’s response, and my own reactions to this morning, coupled with him not wanting to stand up to the other little boys yesterday. That’s when I remembered Cristina’s blog and how she had recognized herself in her daughter.
I knew there was something more to it. I knew that I wouldn’t normally be so angry with him for being, well, him. It’s not easy to pull memories of ourselves that we would rather not see, and use them as learning tools, but sure enough, Cooper is like me. Maybe like Doug too, apparently, but certainly like me…and that’s where from my annoyance stemmed.
I remember being the kid crying on the side of the pool at swimming lessons, and how that felt. I remember being the girl who never wanted to go back to gymnastics after they tried to make me do a somersault on the beam. I remember being scared of things and then quitting. Deep down, I want to nip that stuff in the bud before Cooper has a chance to go home feeling bad about himself for being “chicken”. I desperately don’t want him to feel what I felt. I want him to do better than I did…and isn’t that what we all want as parents?
So, I took a deep breath, went and got my boy from his room and asked him to cuddle with me on the couch and read books. After a few truck books, I told him that I wanted him to know that I wasn’t mad at him earlier. I told him that I am always so proud of him. I told him that I love him. He hugged me and the frustrations of this morning were brushed off as easily as they had reared up…
He is who he will be and all I can do is help him along his journey. I can still try to guide him for better than I did, though….just next time I will recognize it for what it is. It’s me. And I hope with my support he’ll be able to do better than I did.
Kristin, Chloe is the exact same way. Most days I yearn for her to be a little more aggressive instead of letting the other kids have their way and push her aside. It is tough. I never want her to be left out in school or made fun of, but she is so hesitant and shy sometimes that it might be unavoidable.
A part of me is hoping that preschool will somehow help cure this. Maybe if mommy isn’t around to run to she will start being more assertive instead of waiting for me to chime in and help. Maybe.
I keep thinking the same thing, Kate. Hopefully summer school a few mornings per week this summer will help him. Ugh. We can only hope, right!?
That is very insightful parenting K! It takes a brave person to look inside themselves and use it as a tool to teach themselves. You are a great parent and Cooper is a great kid, you are obviously doing something right.
Just for the record, Jordan was the SAME way as a little one. He was nervous about high slides, preferred to play with a ball rather than swing and never, ever would dream of being assertive with another kid, no matter what the age. I discussed it at lengths with my pediatrician and his response…I kid you not…”it is a sign of intelligence!” Kids that do those kind of things have the logical reasoning skills to think the scenerio through. They understand actions and consequences and are able to reason them out in their head before they act. Not sure if that will make you feel better, but it did me at the time. And somehow, I have to believe that a child that says to his parent “the end” when he wants to be all done with the conversation is not a kid that is going to let someone else push him around. At the time, the whole sand bucket bully thing was just probably not worth it to Cooper. He reasoned it out in his head. The end.
it’s a fine line, isn’t it? trying to teach your children to not be walked on, yet not be bullies either. lily will simply lay down and act as a carpet while arden is literally starting fistfights with 13 year olds. so i guess it’s a constant struggle between the two extremes. for what it’s worth, i think you are one of the most awesome moms – cooper is incredibly lucky to have you
That was a wonderfully insightful post Kristin. Hits a little too close to home and has been a topic of discussion between my husband and I about Jared. You have this image of what your child should be like, and it’s hard when you have to re-adjust that.
Luckily Cooper has a wonderful mom and knows that he is loved no matter what. THAT is the key.